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Avert your eyes, or take it all in! Make your choice! Not the front! Nobody wants to see the front! Oh, no! Happy birthday, Mr. President. The Australian singer who calls herself “Fat Amy” gave the President a birthday gift from down under during last night’s celebration held at the historic Kennedy Center. In case you’re wondering what I mean by “down under,” Chip, I’m talking about her game She showed her game to the President. All eyes were on the a cappella singers, the Barden Bellas. game three-time defending a cappella national champions, which is a real thing, apparently. Although authorities have ruled out terrorism as a motive, the Bellas claim the mishap was merely an accident and issued an apology. I am deeply sorry for the upset that I have caused. I feel that I have already received punishment enough in the form of silk burn. Exhibit C. No, no, no! It’s filth. Women who sing are just another example of cultural decay, due to loose morals. Not wearing underwear seems kind of intentional to me. Mmm. Yeah, you either choose to wear underwear, or you don’t wear underwear. It’s a choice I make every day. You know, until today, I thought singing a cappella was the most embarrassing thing you could do. Normally, that group is on point, and last night, they were off-point, off-key, and then on the floor. It’s a national disgrace. Yeah, but I’d rather be in that limo ride home with the President. Cut to the real President, he’d be like, “That game was off the hook!” Chloe, chill out. It was a mistake. They’re not gonna burn us for witchcraft. No, but the National A Cappella Association is in there talking to the dean about us, and who knows what’s gonna happen? We won three championships. Whatever happens in there, we’re gonna be fine. Maybe it’s time to think about other stuff. What other stuff? You know, school, jobs, life. This group is my life. I’ve intentionally failed Russian Lit three times so I could be a Bella. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to us. Ever. You know, before coming to Barden


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