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Beautiful Princess NiceHeart


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there’s a security camera. Oh, I’m not really hooking up with anybody right now because recently, I actually Games Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. They do record the footage. So, unless a leaked tape is part of your two-year plan, (SWALLOWS) I’d recommend hooking up in the Games (INAUDIBLE) You’ll never know our secrets. You’ll never know! Whoo! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) (SNORTS DERISIVELY) Excuse me. That’s none of your business. You’re kind of making it my business, here. Look, I just moved in upstairs and my Wi-Fi sucks. So, if I have to listen to every drunk asshole stumble out of here at : a.m., I’m at least gonna use your free Internet. Wow. Okay, hi. Um Games (CLEARS THROAT) I’m Tom. And Games Hi. If you’re gonna be using my free Wi-Fi, at least you can do me a favor and not write like, “I want to wake up with my best friend.” Unless you want my dick to fall off. And then maybe we could become best friends, and that’d be awesome. Look, I spent half of last year creating an algorithm that trolls dating apps for the best candidates and downloads them into an Excel spreadsheet. So, I know what I’m looking for. Yeah, that’s not weird at all. What are you really doing online? I mean, you’re a pretty girl. This is New York City. There’s like a billion people outside that door. Yeah, but how many eligible people? Here. Okay, there are eight million people in this city. Sounds like a lot, right? It does. But, half of them are women. And as hard as I tried in college, I don’t swing that way. How hard did you try? Let it go. Okay. So, four million men. And then you got to have some age limits. Let’s say over . Gotta keep it legal. Under . Keep it y. Now, it’s a million. Right. We’re talking about a million guys. But half of them are married. % are . I want someone college educated. Not too ugly. So Games There’s your boyfriend. I wish. He’s got to be taller than me Games (CHUCKLES) And he’s got to want kids. So, yeah, I’m on different dating websites to increase my odds. So, what do you say? You let me treat this


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